I'm sorry for the rather long period of inactivity here.
I've been trying to deal with losses for quite some time now. And dealing with them is never easy. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to protect something which means alot to you, eventually you might lose them somehow. I think i've lost quite a lot to date, that i no longer have any idea just what do i have in the first place. Often i ponder on why this is happening to me. There must be a valid and relative reason to it hidden somewhere. It is only recently when i finally came to know of the answer to that question. I don't know what words to use to describe the nature of the reason, but somewhere along the lines of harsh and unfair could be relevant enough.
Friendship. I just hope that everybody in this world would not take this big word so lightly. All the talk about friendship being the strongest and unsinkable ship is so much full of consipiracies.
No offence, but many people often take their relationship with their friends so lightly. I do not wish to categorise myself as not one of those people but i've been trying ever so hard to make my friends happy, change to their demands, neet their expectations and be there for them during both happy and sorowful periods. Yet i just do not understand why those people who took it so lightly are able to maintain their relationships with friends for a long time. But despite all of my efforts and sacrifices, i just ended up losing it in the end. Did my ignorance and being over obsessed with the term friendship made me do something harsh and wrong which i am not aware of? Often i ponder on why did i even bother to put in so much effort on something when that something turn out to not appreciate it and even despise you for it.
I do not wish to say that i have been over dependant on my friends, but having lose some of them gives me an unexplainable uncomfortable feeling and kills my sleep for days. And having to lose a handful of them at the same time is just too much for my flawed self to take in. No, i'm not being paranoid here. Ironically, the worse part of this whole equation is on the fact which i still have friends. Having all that happening to me, i just cannot help to kill myself with the question on what should i do now? Should i try and be a good friend again and do all those things which i have been doing and in turn led to my friends leaving me, or should i do nothing and take their presence lightly? I think i can no longer tell on what is the right or wrong thing to do among friends anymore. Of course, i still am clear of my responsibilities, but beyond that, i just no longer have any idea. I admit this thing has been bothering me so much that i'm losing focus in many other things such as school. I don't wish to talk about school anyway. And now i am afraid to let anyone in and make new friends. I know i sound like an immature fellow who just can't accept the reality and move on with life. But i am the type where whenever something goes wrong, i make sure i know the reason to it and make sure i correct it first and foremost. I do not want those same old mistakes to happen again. That is my nature. And today i found out the major disadvantage in having that kind of nature. That is when i can't find the reason or can't correct it, i get stuck and never move on. Exactly how i am now. I need guidance and a whole lot of things.
Maybe my problem is that i have always tried to be the best i can be. I've always tried to be the best friend i could be, the best brother i could be, the best student i could be, the best son i could be. I am not sure if that is the wrong mindset or not, but maybe that is my problem. I've tried so much to be within touching distance of perfect when i know that isn't just possible. I've tried so much to go beyond what i can achieve and give others to try and satisfy my weird lust and also show to them that i am a good person. But i think i pretty much overworked myself to the point that when all those things which i have sacrificed alot for and put in so much effort for flew away from my life, the feeling is just so numb that it freezes my every action, thoughts and direction. Today i no longer have any idea on what to do. Should i change? Or should i stick to my policies, nature and attitude. If a change is needed, there is alot to be done. And i doubt it will be easy for me. But hey, it already isn't any easy for me right now anyway. Once again, i need guidance and a whole lot of other things.
I do not know what kind of person i am. I understand that different people have different perspective and opinions of me. But i've been pressurizing myself foolishly on trying to crack the code on how some of them look at me as. I've been trying so hard trying to put myself in their shoes and judge myself from their own point of view. Its stupid i know. And it backfired on me like nobody's business. As the more i tried to do that, the more they will feel uncomfartable and that it will inturn affect the relationship. My heart cries out badly everytime i ponder on the possibilities of having some of my friends see me as a bad person. I know its normal for that. Some people hate you while some don't. But i just don't know the problem with me. I just cannot accept the fact that there are some people which dislikes me. Maybe its because i love every single one of my friends too much that i expect them to have the same feelings towards me as well. Or maybe its just me trying to be perfect again. I just don't know. Again, i need guidance and a whole lot of things.
I'm confused, shattered and am slowly picking up the pieces. I need help but i am afraid to seek it. I am flawed but i don't know what is wrong with me occasionally. I think i need to change but i am not entirely sure on what is there that needs to be changed. I am not weak, although given the fact that i cry often. I can pick myself up on my own. But its just that i keep getting stuck everytime i try to do so. God please help me.
